Gashes of Redemption
by Vampy McVamp
Summary: Sirius once discovered Remus' secret, now Remus is discovering his. [AU]
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**  
  
If any of us had paid more attention during the summer, Sirius' leaving might no have come as such a surprise. Well, it's not quite that he actually went anywhere, he just seemed to far away now. Any attempt to talk to him resulted in a coma-like silence, an simple gesture that stung as though he had slapped me. Sirius had always been the lively one, easily excited. Now he was gone from us.  
  
It seemed to suddenly happen over the summer, as everything had been fine until our fifth year had come to an end. Then everything changed. Sirius hadn't been allowed to spend the holidays with James this summer, though he hadn't told us why, but he did manage to visit upon invitation. An invitation to visit 12 Grimmauld Place was never extended. Nonetheless, summer happened as was usual, and Sirius seemed fine. His visits soon became fewer, and he rarely spoke when he did come. Then out of nowhere, he stopped coming. There was no warning given, Sirius just failed to exist for the rest of the summer. James had shrugged it off, assuring us he had probably been dragged off with his family for the rest of vacation. I thought it odd. We had heard nothing more from Sirius, and now, a hope lingered inside me that this would change.   
  
Platform 9 ¾ was bustling with the usual crowd of first years, reluctant to leave their mothers, seventh years trying to absorb all that they could of their last trip to Hogwarts, and everyone in between. The place was hectic. I smiled and gave a happy sigh, I had missed this. Hogwarts had always been like a second home to me. At times, an only home. Dumbledore had not been exaggerating when he had promised me such a thing would come to be on that night he invited me to attend his school. I had been wary of the idea. I was a werewolf, there was no way I could fit in anywhere. For once, I'm quite relieved I was wrong.  
  
As my eyes scanned the platform they fell upon hazel eyes that I recognized as belonging to James Potter. Slinging my bag over my shoudler I headed towards him, forcing my way through the barricades of people.   
  
"Moony, it's been too long." James joked, patting my back in an awkward, "manly" fashion. I laughed and pushed him away gently, I had been at his house only two days ago. "Where's Sirius?"  
  
James stared at me for a moment as though it were an odd question, then shook his head, "He'll show up." At this point I was beginnning to wory. It wasn't like him to be late. Actually, he was normally here quite early. Then again, he normally got here with James. I gave a sigh and forced the thoughts out of my mind, I'd question Padfoot later.

* * *

> > > > The blazing heat of the sun pelting down on the roof of the sleek black car created a hazy warmth on the interior. I closed my eyes and rested back against the cushy leather seating, and it moaned in protest. As if it hadn't been uncomfortable enough in the solemnly silent car, there was now an unbearable sticky heat.   
  
"Don't worry boy," an icy voice cut the air, "You'll be getting away from me soon enough."  
  
I looked out the tinted window to verify this and felt a surge of relief and worry. The train station could be just seen in the distance. I'd be boarding the train to Hogwarts soon. I'd be getting away from all of this. Surely the rest of the Marauders were already at the station, and probably had been for some time. I'd been eager to return to them all summer, yet now I wasn't so sure. As though picking up my thoughts, my father spoke again.  
  
"Having second thoughts?" I could see his cold blue eyes in the rearview mirror. "It won't be too long, you'll see us again over Christmas..." I wondered for a moment whether this had been meant to comfort me. There was a sadistic undertone to his words, that others might not have picked up on, but I did, and I remained silent.  
  
The rest of the car ride took forever, and it appeared that the station wasn't getting any nearer. I prayed silently for us to get there faster, clasping and unclasping my hands in my lap. By the time the car finally came to a full stop my hands were damp. I brushed them hastily against the thigh of my jeans and got out of the car, trying not to look too relieved by this action.  
  
My father placed my trunk on a cart and patted me on the back, a deceivingly loving gesture, then drove off, leaving me looking complacent at the entrance of the station. I quickly gathered myself and my bags and headed for the entrance to Platform 9 ¾.  
  
I passed through the barrier without really checking, or caring, whether anyone was looking in my direction. I was caught up in my own thoughts. There was an overwhelming feeling that something had been lifted from my shoulders, that I was free again for now. 'For now...' I reminded myself. Some of the weight resettled on my hunched shoulders.  
  
Suddenly my ears were greated by the usual buzzing noises of Platform 9 ¾. Through the noise I could hear someone calling my name. James. I looked around and found him smiling at me from his place near the train. "Sirius!" he called again when he knew he had my attention. I could see Remus and Peter at his side, Remus giving a somewhat appreciative grin, Peter waving a knuckle-less hand. A small spasm in the corner of my mouth was all that resulted of my attempt to smile and I gave up, working my way across the platform with my cart in tow. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
Though we were late boarding the train, our car was empty as usual. Nobody ever bothered to occupy it. It belonged to the Marauders. Putting my bag into the overhead compartment alongside Peter's, I sank down into the worn seating of the car, my arms folded across my chest. The familiar smells, sounds, and feelings were entrancing.  
  
James and Peter had engaged in a lively discussion about the Quidditch tryouts, and I turned to look at Sirius. He was sinking into the corner where the seat met the wall, his legs drawn up before him. His expression was hard to decipher. Pensive? Perhaps, but there seemed to be a yearning in those cloudy gray eyes. Since when did his eyes have that cloudy quality? Had they always been that way? Everything about him seemed changed, yet the same. His long black hair still feel to his mid-back, but it seemed to be limp, and unruly strands hung before his face. His skin had never been overly tanned, but it now seemed rather pale, and the body it covered looked thinner under his baggy shirt. I averted my eyes to the window. Sirius was so strong, mentally and physically, it was odd to see him looking so vulnerable. Why hadn't James confronted him yet? I looked to James, almost as though expecting him to answer the question I hadn't asked.  
  
"Something wrong?" he questioned, and I just shook my head, "Tired, I guess." Peter gave his usual giddy grin, making him look like a large child, "Better not fall asleep, you'll miss the feast!" The thought of the feast caused an audible rumbling deep in my stomach and I thought I saw a hint of a smirk on Sirius' face. I couldn't be sure. It easily could have been my eyes playing tricks on me, because when I looked again, it was gone. Why was he doing this?  
  
At that moment, the door swung open and a pretty witch with a food cart came into the car. The cart was stocked with the usual assortment of things to rot the teeth out of your head: Bertie Botts Every Flavoured Beans, Chocolate Frogs, Cauldron Cakes, everything one could imagine. We all dug around our pockets for money, purchasing a large fractoin of the sweets. I'd spare Sirius my inquisition for later.  
  
I looked at Sirius once more before induling in the sweets before me on the table. He was staring down at the ones he had purchased, or rather we had picked out for him knowingly, as though he wasn't sure why they were there, and was condemning them for it. His brows furrowed, and I unwrapped one of my Chocolate Frogs while stifling a giggle. As much as I probably should have been concerned, he looked somewhat adorable glaring down at a box of every flavoured beans.

* * *

When the train arrived at Hogwarts everyone began to gather their things. I looked down at what was left of my candy and raised a brow. I had barely touched any of it, but I couldn't just leave it on the train. I slid it across the table to Peter with one hand, and he looked confused for a moment, but then accepted it. Peter wouldn't turn down a load of sweets if his life depended on it. I got up and retrieved my trunk after the others had done so, and followed along behind them as we unboarded the train. I was quite thankful that neither of them had bothered me, I had been expecting the opposite. It was somewhat disappointing that they didn't, however. Maybe they just didn't care.  
  
Outside of the train the rain poured from the sky in heavy torrents, rendering us immediately drenched. Delightful. Students scampered about frantically, trying to find an empty carriage. We were unsuccessful in this, and ended up sharing a carriage with two young-looking girls I didn't recognize. We piled inside awkwardly, James sitting on the side with the two girls. One of them giggled and whispered to the other, who then giggled in return. I sighed and rested my head back against the carriage wall, closing my eyes. "Tired?" James asked. I assume he was speaking to me, but I didn't answer.  
  
The sound of the rain falling steadily on the carriage roof became as a lullaby of sorts. Sure, it wasn't peaceful in any manner, but I could feel myself drifting in and out of sleep. I forced my eyes open and looked out of the window, watching the shadowy silhouette of Hogwarts grow closer.  
  
By the time we reached the castle it was taking a great amount of will to stay awake. Getting out of the carriage, I steadied my feet on the ground, reaching for Remus' shoulder as I nearly lost my balance. Quickly I withdrew my hand again, and felt Remus' eyes glancing towards me. What the hell was that? I felt as though I should put my hand back as to avert the sudden wave of embarassment that washed over me, but that would just make things even more awkward. Remus shook his head and walked off towards the front entrance behind James and Peter. I watched him walk away for a bit, but the cold got the better of me and I followed as well, just not too closely. Had I upset him?  
  
Inside, everyone had gathered as usual for the Sorting ceremony. Looking along the Gryffindor table I found that James had saved a seat for me beside him, and I headed over. 


	3. Chapter 3

((A/N: Ok, first, this chapter deals with things that some people might find disturbing, or offensive, or whatever it is you mortals do. Second, yes, I am aware Sirius was supposed to run away before sixth year, but that conflicts with my plot, so I chose to ignore it ;;   
  
Also, with the next few weeks I have a lot of school work and exams, so my updates might take longer. Anyway, I appreciate all the reviews, and please be patient with me. You shall have your updates, they might just take a while.))  
  
**Chapter 3**  
  
A nervous-looking first year climbed onto the stool to be sorted, and an equally nervous-looking Sirius slipped into the empty seat beside James. I watched him curiously as he tried hard to go unnoticed. He was acting so damned strange, I was beginning to wonder exactly what it was he was up to. James paused for a moment as he looked at Sirius with a distasteful frown, and then continued what he was saying, "Anyway, I think I've figured out a new strategy for the Quidditch team this year. We just need to..." I drowned out his voice with my thoughts. Quidditch was not a favourite subject of mine. I don't quite understand the allure. Either way, hearing James rant about another one of his Quidditch theories was not my idea of a good time.  
  
I attempted idly to maintain some interest in the sorting ceremony, but other things were surfacing in my mind. Like Sirius. Why was I so preoccupied with him? It had never been like this before the summer, and now it would seem that everything was changing. _'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'_, the old clichè familiarized itself in my head and I laughed it off softly. _Oh yes, I'm in love with Sirius_. A chill shook me suddenly. The thought was meant to be sarcastic, but a familiar feeling stirred in my stomach, not quite nauseating, but I felt light-headed. I had felt the same way when Sirius grabbed my arm outside of the carriage. What was wrong with me?  
  
"...Remus?" I looked up to see James staring at me curiously. "What do you think, Remus?"  
  
I put a hand to my temple and shook my head, "It sounds fine, but you'll need more than a theory if you plan to win the Cup." If there was one thing I'm good at, it's bluffing. James stared at me for a moment longer but apparently decided my answer was adequate. "I guess, but I'm sure if I run it by the team they'll be all for it; any way they can win." He looked at Sirius in a slightly panicked motion, "You'll be trying out for beater again this year, right?" Sirius looked up from the table and then around at us before nodding. Once more James looked satisfied. "Good," he replied quietly, turning to watch the last first year slump beneath the weight of the sorting hat.  
  
The first years never looked particularily amused during the sorting. Scared to death would probably be a better description. I grinned at the small boy as he was sorted into Gryffindor, looking rather intimidated by the loud cheers coming from our table. When he had been sorted, Dumbledore stepped forward and gave his usual speech. Peter nearly broke into giggles as James mouthed every word in synch with the Headmaster. Dumbledore made the same tired speech every year since we'd been here, and for Merlin knows how long before that. The only thing that ever changed were the yearly warnings that were tacked on to the end. This year we were warned that a hall in the Ravenclaw tower had been infested with pixies, and, of course, to stay out of the Forbidden Forest. I smirked; as though the name weren't forboding enough. After delivering these rules, Dumbledore quietly spoke an unfamiliar charm and the feast had begun. Magically, the tables were overflowing.

* * *

When the feast finally began I couldn't have been more relieved. I wouldn't be expected to talk while I'm eating. As I reached down for my fork my sleeve fell down my arm. I paused and stared at it for a moment. My arm looked so twiggy... Quickly I pulled the rim of my sleeve up again, hooking it over my thumb. I grabbed for the edge of the table, clinging to it as the room seemed to shift, then reached for my fork again. I managed to pick up a scoop of potatoe after pushing it around on my plate to the point of frustration. I'm not quite sure that the taste was worth the effort, but it served its purpose. I was eating, and that was good.  
  
It's not that I didn't want to talk to the other Marauders, it's just that I'm not sure how. Maybe I've been quiet too long, but it just seemed normal now. Besides, what would I say? Nothing. I knew it must be irritating to the others, but I couldn't think of any other way. If I opened my mouth it would all come out, and I didn't think I could face the consequences if it did. Let them hate me for my silence, not for what _he_ did. My hands clenched into fists, and I felt like someone had delivered a swift blow to my stomach. No, I wouldn't let them know. I got up and left the Great Hall suddenly, allowing my feet to carry me off as they so often did.  
  
I'm not sure how long I walked for, or where exactly I had walked to, but I found myself in a long empty corridor. The walls were of grey stone and the only light came from candles glowing from their holders along the wall. The dungeons. I sighed and sank to the floor, resting my back against the cold, hard surface of the stone. For a moment I just sat there motionless, clearing my mind. Finally, most of the thoughts that had been buzzing loudly through my head had left. There was then only one thought on my mind, one of a morbid comfort.  
  
Pulling my sleeves back from my arms easily, I turned them so I could see the pale undersides. Thin red lines were scrawled about the pasty white skin. Several long gashes ran prominantly down the length of my arm, but numerous smaller ones could be seen, more faded lines, a painful backdrop. I traced over the larger lines with my fingertips, taking some pleasure in the feel of the ridges where the cuts had been trying to heal. I cradled my arm in almost a proud gesture, then reached into my pocket. My fingers met with the feeling of a course fabric, and I removed the bundle from my pocket. Unfolding it in my lap, something caught the illumination of the candle. A small rectangle of metal was nestled within the fabric, the flickering light glinting off of the surface. I watched it shimmer, then picked the razor up hesitantly. My head felt light, and everything took on a dream-like quality. I brought the cool metal to my skin, gently dragging the edge along the familiar lines. Closing my eyes tightly, I pressed harder on the skin, wincing as though expecting some pain. There was, of course, none. It had only hurt the first few times. I opened my eyes again and looked down at my arm. A thin red line could just be seen running from my wrist downwards, only a few inches long. I dragged the edge of the razor over it again and spidery lines of red made branches across my skin. Only a little at first, but then the branches grew thicker, larger. I watched it spread for a few minutes before realizing the blood had begun to spill forth in large streams, running down my arm. I dropped the razor and wrapped my arm in the fabric, which went a rusty brown color as it grew saturated with my blood. My blood. All over the cloth. Dripping onto the floor. Something about that consoled me.  
  
I held the cloth to my arm for what felt like forever, but eventually it stopped bleeding. I staggered to my feet and returned the bundle to my pocket, razor blade deep within the folds of the bloodstained cloth. The dungeon around me was not one I recognized, but soon enough I found a way out. I decided I'd head up to the commonroom rather than return to the Great Hall, in no mood for immediate questioning. For the first time in weeks I was determined to get a good night's sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I had wanted to go after Sirius, but James advised me to leave him alone. He said that Sirius probably had his reasons. That just made me all the more curious. What did James know that I didn't? I felt a tinge of jealousy. When we got up to the commonroom after the feast, Sirius had been slouched against the fat lady portrait, looking half-asleep. James walked over to him and I could see him mouthing words, but I couldn't hear what they were. He turned to look at Peter and I, "We'll be in later, you guys go on ahead." I arched a brow and studied him questioningly for a bit, but then when into the commonroom. Fine. If James thought he could handle this better, I'd just let him do that.  
  
Sinking into the sofa, I stared at the flames flickering from the fireplace. No matter how crowded the commonroom was, it always felt warm and cozy. I loved being there. As usual, no one bothered me. I couldn't blame them at this point, I'm guessing I didn't look quite approachable. That was unavoidable at the moment. I was upset, and beyond denying it. Does James think that he's the only one that cares about Sirius? I didn't think that even James could be that ignorant.  
  
"Hey." I looked away from the flames and found Lily Evans seating herself beside me on the soda. She was a casual acquaintance, and I was quite sure James fancied her, but I really didn't know her all that well.   
  
"Hey," I replied half-heartedly. I glanced at her hair. She had changed it somehow, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was she had done. Ah yes, I am ever so observant.  
  
"How was your summer?" she asked, sounding actually interested. I could never really be sure whether Lily was always genuinely interested in what people had to say or was just a really good actor.   
  
"Just the usual, jam-packed with pranks and wacky hijinks." A smirk came to her lips as I asid this, and she shook her head softly,   
  
"How you put up with those two I'll never understand."  
  
"Years of practice." I gave her an honest smile. James and Sirius certainly knew how to press the envelope at times. They didn't seem to be affected by normal social order. As much as their antics normally bothered me, I missed it now.  
  
The portrait swung open and Sirius came into the commonroom, heading directly towards the dorms. He looked upset, and on the brink of tears. I met his eyes as he walked past, but he averted them immediately. Before long his footsteps had disappeared up the stairs. Not a minute later James came in through the portrait and swung it shut behind him.  
  
"I've had about enough of this..." James muttered through clenched teeth as he settled into a chair opposite us. Lily looked confused, but didn't say a word. Neither did I. We merely sat in a tense silence, and I went back to watching the flames lick at the stone of the fireplace.

* * *

I slammed the door shut hard and leaned back against it. My heartbeat grew slower until it was steady again. Until now it had felt like it was nearly in my throat. I hadn't been prepared for this. I was stupid. My mind just chose to ignore the fact that I couldn't get into the commonroom until the Head Boy or Girl returned, after the feast.  
  
I had expected this of James at some point though, just.. not right now. James was always so quick to anger. I'd seen this side of him too many times before, but always over childish things. This time I had given him a reason. But James was my best friend, shouldn't he be able to make this all better? Tears began to well up in my eyes.  
  
James knew better than the others, however. James knew my family. James shared my hatred for them. But he didn't know everything. There were some things I couldn't even tell James. He said he thought I was being irrational. I rubbed at my eyes with the back of my hand. I wish I could have just said something. I would have defended myself had I knew how. My mouth seems to have forgotten how to form words. I tried to recall the sound of my own voice, but it seemed that even my memories had gone silent. Lips were moving, but nothing was being said.   
  
I think James knew there was something more happening this time, but he was never good at dealing with things he disapproved of. I just hoped he wouldn't do anything stupid, like telling the others. What would Remus and Peter think if they knew my family were Death Eaters? No, James wouldn't do that. As angry as he might be, he wouldn't betray my trust. Just how angry he was I couldn't be sure, but it felt like I had lost him this time.   
  
I walked over to my bed. My trunk was placed carefully on the top of it, and I moved it onto the floor. I was too tired to actually put anything away. Laying down on the thick mattress, I drew the curtains of the four-poster closed. I shut my eyes and let the tears run freely down my cheeks, grateful that I had been able to hold them in until I was away from the others. I wouldn't let them see me cry. Childish as that might be, I wanted to maintain some final dignity.   
  
I'm not sure how long I was lying there before I heard the door open hesitantly. My entire body froze and I held my breath.   
  
"Sirius?" Remus' voice was gentle, coaxing. I sighed and rolled onto my side, letting myself breathe again.  
  
"I know you're in here..." The curtain of my bed was pulled back, and I looked up to meet Remus' concerned amber eyes. Inviting himself to sit down, he took a seat beside me on the bed, his lower back resting against my thighs. It was oddly warm.  
  
His hand moved to wipe the damp streaks from my cheeks and I made no protest, merely shutting my eyes. It didn't shut him out.   
  
"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" There seemed to be some hurt in his voice, and I wanted to console him. I wanted him to console me. But I didn't say anything. I heard him sigh, and then his hand wrapped around mine, slightly moist with my tears. An awkward gesture of comfort. I gave his hand a light squeeze. We sat there like that for what felt like hours, and eventually I drifted into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

((A/N: Alright, here it is. Sorry for the delay in update, but exams are over now and school is out, so they should come more quickly and steadily now. Thank you for being patient, and I appreciate the reviews ))  
  
Chapter 5  
  
For days Sirius trudged through his daily routines in otherwordly indifference. Was he even aware of the changing of his surroundings as he moved ghost-like from one class to another? It was doubtful. Yet sometimes he would return from a short disappearance and look full of life. He was a complete mystery to me, and my interest peaked even more so. And to think, I thought I knew this boy inside out.  
  
"Very good, Mr. Lupin" the wheezing voice brought me back to reality. I blinked for an instant during which I was highly confused, and then realized I was looking into the eyes of the perpetually tired Potions teacher.   
  
"Thank you Sir." I wasn't sure exactly what I had done that he was giving me praise for. I looked down at my desk. Ah yes, a truth potion. That's what I had been working on.  
  
James leered at me from his seat to my left, never being particularily good at Potions. I gave him a smirk in return, holding back any remark I had the urge to say. It was best not to frustrate James over such things. He'd get you back ten-fold.  
  
He could also hold a grudge, it would seem. I looked over to Sirius, who sat three people to my right. James had been less than civil with him since their incident. I felt sympathetic for him. The added loss of his lifelong best friend likely didn't make his problems better, whatever they may be. James couldn't be near him without looking as though he had just tasted something bitter, or making a snarky remark. It was just James' way, even if it was inconsiderate. The whole matter was rather tragic, Sirius looked as though he needed a friend more now than ever. He was just reluctant to ask for one.  
  
I ripped a bit of parchment from the roll rested on my desk and picked up my quill. Biting my lip, I scratched an awkard message into the yellowed paper. 'If you need to talk, I'm always willing to listen.' I folded it up and with the aid of my wand, sent it in Sirius' direction. Nervously I watched as he unfolded the parchment with unsteady hands. It seemed his face went paler than was usual as he read the words, and hesitantly he picked up his own quill and scrawled his response beneath mine. He refolded it neatly and sent it in my direction with the same charm I had used. I couldn't hear him speak the words, but there was a small movement of his lips that suggested he had infact said them.  
  
Quickly I reopened the note, anticipating some grand revelation on Sirius' behalf. My heart fell. In Sirius' spidery black writing were the words 'There's nothing to tell.' I felt like smacking my head off of the desk. Nothing to tell? It was obvious that Sirius was lying. For the first time, Sirius had lied to me. I tore the paper into small pieces and watched them settled into a pile, then looked over to Sirius, who was watching me in return. He looked sick. He gave the impression of one waiting for his world to collapse around him. Perhaps that's just what he was. Suddenly I made a silent promise to myself to find out what was wrong, using whatever means necessary. I gave a wary glance at the truth potion sitting before me. No, I didn't want to resort to that. Not unless I had to.  
  
For the remainder of the class I sat wondering exactly how I should go about extracting the truth from Sirius. I needed to help him, even if he wouldn't help himself. Padfoot didn't deserve all this pain.  
  
Today was another one of those days that just didn't want to end. As I walked down the corridor from the Astronomy Tower I felt the need to leave. The walls of Hogwarts were closing in, and so were the students. Some people just couldn't take a hint. Specifically, Remus. He may think that he was helping, but it just seemed to make things harder. Why did he have to meddle all the bloody time? I grimaced at the thought of his prior attempts to pry me open. Something told me he hadn't quite given up yet.  
  
I stepped onto the stairs and they went about their usual shifting. As the flights interconnected I chose no particular path, only the most conveniant. I ended up at the grand doors of the entrance. Maybe I had been more concious of my destination than I thought. I shifted the strap of my bag over my shoulders and slowly reached for the door handle, and for a second I worried touching it would set off some incriminating alarm. My fingers wrapped around the cold handle and and no such noise was heard. I pulled the door open and shivered slightly as the cool air hit me. For some reason, immediately after the air hit me I became warm, though surely it should have been the opposite. It was sickly warmth, the kind that dizzies your head and nauseates your stomach. It served as further initiative to leave, go outside, and I did just that.  
  
There were few students outside, and I'm not sure anyone noticed me. That was probably for the best, confrontation would only result in further frustration on my part. I placed a hand over my wrist, only my thin sleeve covering the numerous scars that had accumulated over the months. Frustrations always resulted in something I didn't want to do. Yet I did it anyway, I always gave in. Sometimes I question how much I really control my actions.  
  
I walked quietly for a short time, but it wasn't enough, I needed a change of pace. Running would do well enough for now. As I picked up speed I became increasingly unaware of the grounds. Everything was a white blur, and the only sound I could hear was a loud, steady thumping which was either my heavy footfall or my heart.  
  
I felt free. The only tihng visible was what lay straight ahead. This I was grateful for, as I probably would have gotten myself lost otherwise. That had happened before; the experiance was most unpleasant. Father found me, of course, but being found by him was no more pleasant than being lost and wet in the woods. He was the beast in the woods, and I was constantly running.  
  
I ran for some time in this manner. When I stopped, I found myself standing in the middle of the Quidditch field. The clouds in the sky were going a murky gray and I turned to walk back towards Hogwarts, my body too tired to run. I could only hope I'd get there before the rain began to pond down from the sky.  
  
As I stepped into Hogwarts and closed the door behind me with a small creak, a loud voice caused me to jump. I turned to see Dumbledore, smiling knowingly at me. "Not my choice of weather for a stroll on the grounds," his voice seemed seriously yet playful all at once, "But each to his own, yes?"  
  
My body felt as though it were trembling, and as I had expected, I could give him no response. He placed a warm hand on my shoulder and looking into my eyes from behind his half-moon glasses, "May I see you in my office, Mr. Black?" 


	6. Chapter 6

((Starting things with Sirius this time, bear with me ;; ))  
  
**Chapter 6**  
  
The trip to Dumbledore's office was excrutiatingly long. What could he possibly want? I had been here for only a little over a week, and hadn't caused any trouble at all this year. My eyes widened. Had Dumbledore grown suspicious? Did he figure me out? _'Stop being paranoid' _ I scolded inwardly, and paused at the stone gargoyle that marked the entrance to our destination. Never had I been so nervous to be called to that office.   
  
"Licorice twists" Dumbledore commanded, and the gargoyle moved aside, revealing the familiar door. Through the door was a winding staircase, and I took the stairs two at a time, keeping up with the Headmaster's long strides. I didn't want to get there particularily quickly, but I didn't want to fall behind either. I didn't trust myself to fall behind. I know I'd run.  
  
At the top of the stairs waited an elegant doorway, and Dumbledore held the door open, glimmering knob beneath his curled fingers. Another one of his purely friendly smiles was on his lips, "Come on in, Sirius. You're no stranger here." I assume his words were meant to be consoling. I was beyond the point of reassurance now. Something was going on. This wasn't supposed to be happening, not while I'm still at Hogwarts. Hogwarts was an escape. I walked into his office, sitting at one of the chairs facing his desk. Painfully slowly, Dumbledore walked around the room to his desk. He took his time sinking into the chair behind it, then folded his arms upon the desktop. We both sat silently; Dumbledore staring into my eyes, calculating my movements, while I fidgeted idly with the arm of the chair, avoiding his gaze. It was always like this, though I usually played innocent. Of course, I was usually guilty. Now I was just unsure. _'Just tell me why I'm here...'_ I demanded wordlessly, as though he could read the words from my mind. It seemed he did.  
  
"I'm not going to try to sugarcoat this for you, I know you're smarter that that." As soon as he said those words, my stomach twisted. I wanted to get out of this office that seemed to be shrinking around me. I wanted James to be here. He'd laugh it off and eventually I would too. Neither of these things were possible now. I bit my lip as he continued, "You seem to be showing a better focus on your schoolwork this year, and you've yet to terrorize any innocent students, yet your father wants you to be sent home. It appears that he thinks you need homeschooling."   
  
If my exterior was any reflection of my interior, Dumbledore didn't notice it. He merely sat there watching me, like I wasn't screaming inside. "I understand that this is quite sudden, as you have been in school for less than two whole weeks, and that you are deep into your schoolwork, so your father agreed to give you until next weekend to finish things up here. Your curriculum will be finished at home," he continued, each word slicing through me.  
  
I nodded continually, hoping Dumbledore in his infinite wisdom would take a hint and dismiss me. No such luck. "I know something is going on, Sirius, but I can't help you if you don't cooperate." 'Let me leave...' my mind begged, naively thinking I might get lucky again and the man would pick up my thoughts. Dumbledore looked genuinely disappointed at my stubborn silence, but it felt as though he were going to keep me there until I decided to tell him something. I watched him hopefully once he turned his penetrating gaze away from me; he looked as though he were devising some obligatory plan. This was not something that comforted me in any sense of the word. I just wanted to get out quicker.   
  
"You may leave now, Mr. Black." The sudden words were cheerful again, as though the whole encounter had been something pleasant for both participants. Once again I was uneasy. Nonetheless, I quickly took the oppurtunity to leave. Blind to the world, I raced down the winding staircase and the empty hall, past numberless doors and portraits, and into an empty classroom. My initial thought was of the luring strip of metal in my pocket, but that was not what I wanted. Clenching my hands tightly into fists, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Before I realized what was happening I let out the loudest scream I could muster, indifferent as to whether I could be heard.  
  
It was not a scream of fear, or a cry for help. It's something I couldn't quite explain to myself. In some sense I guess it was my best attempt at defiance. If so, perhaps I was truely becoming the pathetic being my father seems to have pegged me as.

* * *

Once again Sirius had gone missing for a curious amount of time, only this time he hadn't returned looking satisfied. Upon his return he had went straight to bed, where, according to James, "the little wanker cried something awful". This news was unsettling, and so I had sat in the commonroom nervously pondering the situation to myself as the other students slowly filed away into the dorms. It had been quiet then; two third years played chess without as much as a word in the corner, and a seventh year studied some large text as she huddled next to the fireplace. The commonroom always grew silent at a certain hour, it was nice. Picking up on this, Sirius had returned to the room which seemed oddly changed, curling up in one of the cushioned window seats. My eyes wandered over to him then, and my gaze had remained there. Now I was beginning to feel a tad creepy. I forced myself to look away from him as I so often found myself doing as of late, and pretended to be interested in my finely scrubbed nails. Rumors had circulated regarding Sirius' disappearance quickly. One girl claimed to have heard a pained scream echoing from the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, another had seen him looking exhausted and sweating. I needed to know what happened, and I wanted to hear it from Sirius. The prospect was unlikely. I'd just end up bitter and frustrated like James. 'Leave him alone'.  
  
Ten minutes later I concluded that was easier said than done.  
  
I looked back over at Sirius, sitting beneath the window. He was sitting in a somewhat fetal position: back against the wall, knees brought up fairly close to his chest. A book lay at his feet, the one he had been reading previously. Typical of Sirius to lose interest so quickly. His snow-like skin seemed luminous under the moonlight, and the raven black hair hanging down his back and about his face seemed to tint blue. He was a perfect vision, certain qualities seemed to stand out more to me than they had before. His high cheekbones. His frail figure. His full, pouting lips. He was hauntingly beautiful. _'Give it up, you don't like boys'_ I reminded myself desperately. Yet I was feeling longing towards Sirius that extended beyond late night discussion. _'It's understandable, you just miss your friend.'  
_  
Gathering my courage, I got up from my isolated spot on the sofa and attempted my best casual approach towards Sirius. I picked up the book resting beside his bare feet and read the title to myself. 'The Old Man and the Sea'. Some piece of muggle literature. "Not too interesting?" I questioned, and his shoulders gave a weak shrug. I put the book back down and was surprised to see Sirius shifting over in his seat, pressing closer to the window to leave just enough space beside him for another person. For a moment I just stood and stared at him. Was this an invitation to sit next to him or a sign that he wanted me to go away? Hoping he had extended an invitation for me to join ihm, I seized my chance and sat beside him in a position similar to his. I was pleased to find that I could fit, though not too comfortably. He looked at me with a somewhat amused expression, but even then he still looked pitifully sad.   
  
"What's happened to you?" I asked, not really expecting an answer. I kept my voice soft, friendly, like he was some whimpering puppy I was trying to coax into my arms. It was so oddly like reality that I had to struggle to hold back a small giggle, as I imagined a small, wet, whimpering puppy Padfoot. The look on his face in response to my inquisition was tired and reluctant. He'd probably been trying to answer that question himself. I sighed heavily and stared out the window, admiring the shining specks of gold scattered across the sky. The stars were so out of reach. You could watch them your entire life and never get any closer to them. I didn't want that to happen to Sirius. I glanced over to him to find that he was still looking at me, watching me liked I was some caged animal. Something inside me took control then, and I didn't bother to resist it at all. Leaning my head closer to his, I closed my eyes and then brought my lips to his in a sudden gesture that surprised me as much as I'm sure it surprised him. His lips were soft, silky, and much to my surprise, moving against mine. My toungue slipped past my lips and parted his gently, and I found Sirius's hand clasping my own. His toungue brushed against mine roughtly and all of a sudden I felt dizzy. I broke away from the kiss reluctantly, pressing my hands to my forehead as I rested back against the wall.  
  
"I'm sorry," I stammered, unable to meet his eyes. His hands fidgeted at some string hanging from the bottom of his pants and I knew he was uncomfortable. I got up and rushed up the stairs, not caring whether anyone else in the room had taken notice of me, or taken notice of us. 


	7. Chapter 7

((A/N: Alright, I've added an AU warning in the summary, as there are a few AU factors in this story. To spare your inquisitions, here they are:  
  
1. Sirius didn't run away to live with James. That would render my story useless.  
  
2. I mentioned Sirius' entire family being deatheaters whereas in the book it was just his brother  
  
Also, thanks for all the reviews, if it weren't for all you lovely people I probably would not work up the effort to continue the story. Keep 'em coming =) ))  
  
**Chapter 7  
**  
I stretched my arms tiredly, giving a strained yawn. The dorm seemed overly quiet, and with half-formed thoughts I worried I had slept in too late. Peering out of my drawn curtains I discovered I had just awoken early. I reached up and touched my lips gingerly, remembering the events of the night before in slow recollections. I kissed Sirius. _'And he kissed me back...'_ I struggled to recall whether that had actually happened or had been fabricated in my mind. If it was merely a fabrication, it wouldn't allow itself to be seperated from the truth.   
  
"Great, I'm gay.." I muttered between yawns then rubbed at my eyes, forcing them to stay open. My lids were heavy and seemed reluctant to do so. My sarcastic statement reiterated itself in my mind and I buried my face in my pillow. _'It's ok for friends to be that close... right?'_ Without much debate I decided that it was perfectly normal, yet better off kept to myself, even if it was normal. I had a feeling that it wouldn't be well received among my not-so-openly minded friends.  
  
Lying in bed and dwelling on these things didn't exactly put me in the best of moods, so I shrugged off my blankets and lazily got up out of bed. Grabbing my robes from the foot of my bed, I wandered over to the unusually empty bathroom. I turned on the tap and cupped my hands beneath the soothingly warm water, watching it fill my hands and flow over them in so many small streams. I brought the water to my face and sighed, the sudden shock awakening my senses. It was a comforting sensation.  
  
There was a quiet creak of the dormitory floor, and soft footsteps padded across it, in my direction. I looked up from my dripping hands and my gaze fell upon a disheveled-looking Sirius, his frail body leaning against the door frame. His eyes were half open, as though he had been reluctantly roused from his sleep, but the creases beneath his eyes were deceptive of that notion. If he had slept, he hadn't slept well. His full pink lips formed a perfect pout, and there was a strong urge in me to hold him tightly in my arms. I settled for giving him a smile. "Morning Sirius," I greeted him happily, a yawn escaping my lips as soon as they parted. My toungue ran over them gently, and the taste of the tap water reminded me that my face was still rather wet. I reached for my towel and pressed it against my face, rubbing slightly. The fabric was so soft that I was sure if I remained with my face nestled into it much longer I'd easily fall asleep. I began to let myself test this theory when I felt something at my arm. I dropped my towel beside the sink and looked down to find a spidery white hand resting on my bicep. I gave Sirius a confused look, but rather than his usual silence, I received his lips against mine in return. I closed my eyes and returned the kiss passionately, cupping his face in my hands. He was so soft, and his kiss was so tender. If it hadn't of been for my lack of comprehension the entire thing would have been perfect. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Abruptly, Sirius broke away from me and made his way back towards his bed, where he disappeared inside the red curtains.  
  
Needless to say, I was highly confused. I sighed and shook my head. Sirius use to be so easy to understand, yet these days I counted myself lucky if I caught a hint of his mood. Besides, if Sirius wanted me to know, he'd let me know. Somehow. I peeled off my clothes and stepped inside the shower stall, pulling the shower door closed as I did. The steamy water poured down over my body and I realized that every inch of it longed for him and his touch. _'But why haven't I noticed it before?'_

__

* * *

Defense Against the Dark Arts class is not one I would call my favourite. It's another one of those things where I'd like to ignore its existance, yet I can't. The teacher doesn't bother me, however, so I guess I should count my blessings rather than complain. Said teacher, Professor Almasy was currently droning on about some evil that would soon unleash itself upon us, and I shook my head. Why did he bother to go on about the same damned thing every day? I stared at the oddly formed jars lining the shelves of the room, each holding some unrecognizable object. The candles lighting the room glinted off of them eerily, bringing out an unusual range of colors from the glassy surfaces. I'd seem similar effects before. At home father kept many bottles of that sort, likely holding substances he shouldn't posess. Nothing out of the ordinary.  
  
"Today we'll be learning about something that you all might want to listen to," Professor stressed the word 'all' and I could feel his gaze fall in my direction. I looked over to him and nodded, allowing him to go on. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Remus staring at me contemplatively. It felt like my insides were twisting all of a sudden. I knew what he was thinking. It was the same thing I'd been trying to ignore all day. I wish I could turn back time. I would have stayed in bed rather than letting a sudden whim get the better of me. I'm not sure that anything was meant by the kiss, only that afterwards I was shaking. I don't think he took notice of that. I'm not sure why I was shaking. Maybe because some part of me enjoyed it, or maybe because the kiss felt somewhat obligatory. The thought angered me. He had kissed me first, afterall. What the hell did he think he was doing?  
  
"Occulmancy is not somethign to be taken lightly," Professor Almasy continued. _'Occulmancy... where have I heard that before?'_ The concept was vaguely familiar and I struggled to recall why. No such luck. With a sigh I gave in to the Professor and listened attentively, or as attentively as I could. My attention span was only long when I didn't want it to be. Things had a funny way of happening like that. Or atleast they did for me. Sometimes I think we bring these things onto ourselves, but I don't know what I've ever done to deserve the things that've been happening lately. Maybe there was something to learn from it all. If so, I can honestly say I'd rather remain ignorant.   
  
Remus brought his chair over to my desk and sat it next to mine, then gave me a smile before seating himself on it. I raised a brow. 'What... is he doing?' He gave a laugh that was more than a little unnerving.   
"We're partners."  
His words sounded foreign as they hit my ears, and there came a brief moment where all sense had gone from me. _'We're what?!'_ I bit my lower lip to prevent words that weren't coming to begin with, _'I've given him quite the wrong idea...'_ My eyes met his once more and I found him to be still smiling. "Professor put us in pairs for the next few classes," he informed me, sounding akin to a teacher talking to a small child. I suppose, in reality, Remus saw me as no different from a small child, and with the way I've been acting it would be understandable. I nodded and looked down at the meticulously neat notes Remus placed on the desk. "Come on, let's get to work," he chided, and though I had no clue what exactly we were supposed to be working on, I dipped my quill into the jar of ink and tried to focus my mind, giving one last look around the dark classroom. 


	8. Chapter 8

((No excuses here, I just took a break.))  
  
Chapter 8  
  
The grass was damp and uncomfortable, but I walked barefoot defiantly. Today was seemingly made for such things, and I carried it out as some formal ritual. My shoes, as well as an overwhelming number of homework assignments, were packed neatly into my bag. My feet were beginning to protest the conditions, so I gave in and slumped my body against one of the ancient trees dotting the premises. The bark wasn't the most desirable thing to be resting against, and I shifted into several different positions which proved to be no aid at all. _'Ok, so this isn't my day..'_ I sighed, in a manner that was likely overly dramatic. My life had taken an unwanted turn in that direction anyway, there was no point in resisting. I was officially living an angst-filled drama. I smirked and my mind began piecing a narration together : _One mysterious young boy seeks the comfort of his also mysterious--and quite attractive--friend. Steamy sex scenes aplenty._ I smacked my head off of the strong tree several times. No. No. No. Sex with Sirius was not something I needed to be thinking of right now. I needed to focus on my work right now. _'Sex with Sirius is not something you should be thinking of **at all**._' I corrected myself, and extracted a text from my bag. "Looks like we're starting with Defense Against the Dark Arts..." I muttered to no one in particular. I had no real problem with that, just that I would have preferred to work on that particular subject with Sirius. I was beginning to feel as though I would be doing the majority of the work in this partnership. I had not quite expected otherwise. Why would he change for the sake of one assignment? _'He wouldn't...'_ I flipped open my textbook to the assigned pages and commenced reading.  
  
Occulmancy turned out to be a lot more interesting than I had initially assumed. One of those rare things that once learned may actually prove to be rather useful in life. I could definately see this working to my advantage. Since Sirius was my partner, I'd have an excuse to glimpse inside his mind. That is, of course, if he fails horribly at the subject and I over-suceed. Obviously he wasn't about to just offer up his secrets at the hands of a well-practiced spell. Given his behaviour so far this year, however, it's unlikely that would pose a problem. I felt treacherous for even considering these things, but I wasn't going to abandon them. Sirius had had enough time to explain things himself. Now was time for me to confront him. Besides, it was only fair. When we were younger, the Marauders learned about my lycanthropy, how could it be any worse than that? Yes. I was indeed justified.  
  
Before I could change my mind on the matter, I continued reading through the pages, immersing myself in memorizing each word. My thoughts were persistant in their attempts at distratction, and this time they had changed their tactic. My head swarmed with flashes and reflections : the gentle pressing of Sirius' lips against my own, his silent form curled up in the car of the train, his curiously scrawled words on a bit of parchment. I felt betrayed and bewitched, and for a moment it was all Sirius' fault. There was no one else to blame. No one but the obvious. Myself. I had created this psychotic infatuation, and from the looks of things, I was also guilty of letting it strengthen. Yet it was a pleasurable guilt that welled up inside me, twisting my stomach into knots. Knots like those made by spell-casting witches, knots which were a reminder of spells of my own. I forced myself to stare back down at the heavy text. I had to learn this, other thoughts would have to wait until later.

* * *

"Where've you been?"  
  
I looked back over my shoulder to find James following after me. I felt like asking him how long he'd been doing that, but I had formed some vow of silence it seemed and I felt obligated to hold on to that. It was nice to have a niche. Particularily one that required very little effort.  
  
I shrugged and continued with my wandering along the empty halls. I could hear the persistant clicking of James' shoes behind me, and I was somewhat gracious for it. I didn't really feel like being alone at the moment. I was all too aware of the thin metal blade wrapped snug and safe away in my pocket. I wanted him to take it.  
  
"You're not being fair to any of us," something in his voice sounded desperate, and I felt my pace slow to a stop. I cursed him inwardly for this, he had commanded it.  
  
We both stood silently for a moment, no one moving. My back was to him, and this made me nervous. Slowly, I turned to face him. His eyes searched me like a stranger. I could tell he was piecing something together in his mind, but there was no hint of what that may be. I shrugged my shoulders and looked to some place behind him, hoping to find something that would distract me.  
  
"Sirius, you're not fooling anyone like this. I don't know what you're trying to do, but everyone knows something's not right. Why can't you tell me, your best friend?" He walked towards me with a certain amount of determination in his step. I couldn't help but give a small laugh. Did he really think I was just going to confess everything now because he thought I was being unfair? Not everything in life is fair, and he'd have to learn that too eventually. My laughter, however, just seemed to confuse him. "Come on Padfoot, you know you can trust me..."  
It was like he thought I was a completely different person. _'Oh James, you know I'm much more stubborn than that.'  
_  
I could see his temper boiling as my silence grew more willful. Did he think that just because I had stopped talking I had stopped being Sirius Black at all? He was doing this for a reason, and I'd figure that reason out before I'd say a word. I knew James too well to believe he was being sincere.  
  
He embraced me in his awkward way, and I merely allowed him to do so. Once he decided his arms had been around me quite long enough, he removed them and looked up at me. "You're a real bastard sometimes Sirius..." I nodded my head in slow agreement, unsure of any other way to respond to such a thing. Perhaps he had expected something else, because he looked disappointed.  
  
After about five minutes I had begun to wonder whether my silence was contagious, because he didn't say another word. I licked my lips and tried to think of something to say, something that wouldn't trigger an avalanche. I was about to open my mouth when it met with James' fist. I'm not sure how he managed it, or why, but I could immediately feel parts of my face go numb. Tears were swelling in my eyes, but I fought to hold them back. _'Not infront of James, never.'_ Fortunately, though, James was quick to abandon me there, with blood trickling down my lips. Only once I could no longer hear his steps did I let them run freely. The last time James had hit me had been the day we met, when I stole a large slice of pumpkin pie from his plate at our sorting. Even then I didn't cry, I just wolfed down the pie quickly and offered to regurgitate it for him. I was sure I couldn't regurgitate my way out of this one. Deciding it was best not to just hang around in the corridors like this, I made my way back to the commonroom reluctantly, to get myself cleaned up before anyone noticed.  
  
((A/N: 'Sex with Sirius' should be a song, a million points to anyone who writes me one XD )) 


	9. Chapter 9

((Well, here's to anyone who's still reading. Sorry about the whole not updating for a really long time thing.))

**Chapter 9**

Astronomy class was, well, bothersome, to say the least. I hated the smell of the musty candles and incense, as well as the smell of the teacher as she walked by. I was unsure of her name, and uncertain if she had ever revealed that to us. Perhaps she was trying to uphold some sort of mysterious reputation, but everyone thought she was a nut. The hypothesis was likely, she always looked as though her body were the only part of her still in the room. A lot of that seemed to be going around lately. Maybe going back to school after a long break drained people. Or maybe I was just paying too much attention to everything. It sounded a lot like something I would do. Then again, I wasn't quite myself anymore as of late. Since Sirius started acting differently, everyone else seemed to have been thrown off track as well. Perhaps once you become so entwined in a group your feelings become inter-related, dynamic; a group entity with a mind of its own. I laughed. Maybe I was just paying too much attention to everything.

"Something amusing, Mr. Lupin?" the professor's voice scratched its way up out of her throat like nails on a chalkboard. I shook my head dismissively and clasped my hands atop my desk, pretending to be attentive. She either fell for it or forgot what it was she had been doing, because she then continued her pilgrimage around the room, likely monitoring the work she had assigned to us. The work I had been ignoring. I picked up a quill and began scribbling the alphabet over and over on a roll of parchment. She wasn't paying close attention, she'd never know the difference. All one required was an imaginative mind to pass the course anyway.

Once the alphabet took on a hypnotic quality I decided it best to focus my mind on something else. Like socks. Socks were nice. I looked down and realized that I had forgotten socks this morning. I smiled and adjusted my foot so that the leg of my pants fell past my bare ankle and hid my mistake. It was doubtful that anyone else would take notice, but I was obsessive over such details. I had been in a rush this morning, trying to assemble my DADA project. I hadn't meant to leave it so late, but I didn't want to do it all under the assumption that Sirius would do nothing. In the end, he did nothing. It worried me that he seemed to have no regard for his schoolwork, or anything, anymore. I forced myself to stop worrying. He was sixteen, he could care for himself.

A part of me was developing a sense of possession over him, and there was something more that I couldn't place. It had never been like this before… had it? I tried to think back, before everything ceased to make sense. There had been small indications; certain odd glances, encouraging hugs that lasted just moments too long, but hadn't it been that way with everyone? _'No, it hadn't.'_ But it was easier to admit that in my mind, and I wasn't about to ask anyone else for a second opinion. Maybe I had developed something akin to a "crush" on Sirius, but it was normal to be confused about these things as a teenager. I'm sure he was probably just going through the same thing, on top of everything else. Besides, there was no way Sirius was gay. Many female students of Hogwarts would agree. I knew for certain he'd spent many a night outside of our dorms, and I could only imagine where he had been instead.

I gathered my things together neatly, as class was coming to an end. Defense Against the Dark Arts was next, and I was quite thankful I had finished things up on my won. If Sirius hadn't done his share, at least it'd mean he was unfamiliar with the material, which meant certain plans might go much more smoothly.

* * *

It felt useless to be even attending classes anymore seeing as how I wouldn't be staying for much longer, but nonetheless I rushed to get to Defense Against the Dark Arts in time. I hated the subject, but something told me I'd be seeing a lot more of it once I was out of here. The thick roll of parchment tucked beneath my arm threatened to slip and fall, and I squeezed my arm more tightly to my body, leaving the parchment somewhat crumpled. The effect was mildly upsetting, as far too much effort had been put into the assignment. Normally I wouldn't care so much, but I didn't want Remus' grades to suffer because of my utter disdain for the class. The majority of the night before had been spent researching the material in the library, after the slight argument with James. I lifted my hand to my lips, still swollen and sensitive. 

Most of the class had assembled themselves appropriately by the time I got into the room, but no one besides Remus seemed to notice my appearance as I lowered myself into the empty chair beside him. He was looking at me as though expecting something, and my mind struggled for a moment before remembering my half of the assignment. As I handed it to him I hoped he wouldn't look through it enough to realize that most of it was directly copied from various dusty volumes in the library. Surprisingly, instead of accepting my paper, he withdrew a piece of parchment from his bag that appeared to be at least twice as long as the required length, far from the half he was supposed to have covered. A wave of crimson washed over his face and I couldn't tell whether he was embarrassed because he had written so much or because he hadn't trusted me. I quickly grabbed my own work, miserably done in comparison, and stuffed it into my pocket just as the professor began to address the class.

"Today we will begin practicing that which you have all studied quite in-depth at this point," he instructed loudly over the sound of essays being levitated onto a pile atop his desk. I pleaded inwardly to an unspecified receptor that the spell might be one I could bluff. I had the feeling I'd have no such luck. People began breaking off into pairs. I looked over at Remus, hoping he'd be able to explain everything as he usually does. I still didn't have much of a grip on this particular subject.

Remus stood up from his chair and indicated that I should do so as well. Looking around, it would seem that most had taken this approach. "Don't forget to clear your mind…" he said softly, adopting a professor-like tone once I was standing before him. I closed my eyes and tried to think of nothing, but found I did a better job of thinking of what I was not supposed to think of. Why didn't I actually do the research? This was going to be bad. As hard as I tried to think of nothing, it seemed impossible. I heard Remus shout "Legilimens!" and then it took a turn for the worst. He'd been practicing. He must have been. There was no way he could have been doing this so effectively otherwise. Suddenly flashes of spliced memories played in front of my eyes, the majority of which I had hoped to repress. I could feel him forcefully entering my mind. There was Dumbledore, looking at me from across his desk, telling me I'd have to go home. Then all of a sudden I was sitting on the cold dungeon floor, cradling my bloody arm. Another flash and father was there, laughing to himself while wielding his wand. So many horrible memories made themselves fresh in my mind, just for this occasion. James' fist meeting with my mouth, the mark on Regulus' forearm, so many things. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. He knew all of it. He'd seen it all. It was all out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10  
**  
When I could see that I was crossing the line, I retreated from the depths of Sirius' mind, despite my continued curiosity. The more I saw, the more I wanted to know. I was sure that if I didn't stop when I did I'd never be able to.

"Very nice, Mr. Lupin!" the voice drew me from my thoughts and back to the classroom. I looked up at the Professor who was grinning broadly, "It's too bad that we're not practicing Legilimency, you would have gotten a perfect score for that one!" I forced a weak smile and avoided Sirius' eye.

"But as for what we are practicing," Professor Almasy continued, "you might want to work on your Occlumency, Mr. Black." He patted Sirius on the back, not noticing the look of distressed defeat on the boy's face, and walked off to see how the others were doing. I felt sick. I shouldn't have done that. We weren't supposed to go that far. I forced myself to look Sirius in the eye and found it hard to maintain my gaze. The hurt I found there was impossible to ignore. But I had gotten what I wanted. I knew much more than I had hopes for, and what I had seen was only just beginning to sort itself out in my mind.

"Back to your seats, that's enough for one day. I advise that you all work on this some more over the weekend." The class settled back into their places quickly and watched as homework was jotted down on the board. Classes were over for the weekend in a few minutes. They wouldn't pass quickly enough. I could feel how tense Sirius was just from sitting beside him. Dumbledore, or at least the memory of Dumbledore, seemed to have been saying that Sirius would be leaving. But why? It didn't make sense to pull someone out of Hogwarts in their sixth year. Pieced with the image of an arm burned with the Dark Mark, however, I could form some sort of logic regarding it. Whose arm had that been, anyway? It was too dark to have been Sirius'. So many more questions were begging to be answered. The bloody arm in the dungeon, that one had definitely belonged to Sirius. A dizzying sickness struck me. There was so much I didn't know and hadn't suspected. Why would he burden himself with keeping this all to himself?

Class was dismissed and Sirius bolted up out of his seat and towards the door, just as I had expected him to. I grabbed my things and followed him, only managing the task by taking impossibly long strides. He attempted to dodge me and ducked into the boy's bathroom. He was never too good at this. I went into the bathroom shortly after him, doing my best to keep silent. He knew I was there, I could tell, but I figured making my presence obvious was not the best idea. He was hiding in one of the stalls, and making a lucky guess, I pushed open the door of the second-last one. The rest seemed to be empty. Sirius sat almost lifelessly atop the toilet, legs nimbly positioned beneath him. His arms were folded close to his stomach and he was bent forward over them, as though he feared he might be sick.

"I'm sorry" was all I could manage after staring blankly for a few awkward moments of silence. No response came from him. Was I expecting otherwise at this point? No. I was growing irritated with this behavior. Why was he still hiding from me when he knew fully well what I had seen? I reached forward and in a rough gesture wrenched one of his arms out from beneath him, pulling it towards me. His sleeve, insanely large considering his size, fell back almost immediately. The exposed skin showed just what I knew would be there, but actually seeing it nauseated me. Still clasping his wrist, the fingertips of my other hand traced gently along the deep wounds that were unmistakably self-inflicted.

"What the hell were you thinking!" I heard myself shouting, though I hadn't intended to say anything, especially not so angrily. He stared at me wearily, debating something that seemed to be causing him some degree of pain. I felt bad for jumping at him and pulled him close to myself, holding him to my chest and whispering apologies into his ear. What had I started?

* * *

"I… I don't want to…"

Before I had even realized it, I'd broken my vow. What use had silence been to me all this time? It seemed to only further separate me from the people I cared about. On the other hand, it further separated me from the truth.

Remus was silent and I wasn't sure whether he had heard me or not, as my voice had certainly lost a great deal of its former strength. It sounded near pubescent, threatening to break when reaching any point of passion. The need to get this all out was overwhelming. "I don't want to go home," I tried again, "not to him anyway, not to that monster…" I could feel the thumping of his heart against my body, the constant repetition of "I'm sorry" mixed with hot breath on my ear. Perhaps he _had_ heard me. Maybe he just wanted something else right now. I looked up to find a look in his eyes that was alien and strange but comforting all at once. There was rage and dominance, but also a tenderness that only Remus could show at a time like this.

"What do you want?" I asked earnestly, trying my hardest to keep the question from sounding bitter. I honestly had no idea what to be doing or if now was the time for reassurances and consoling.

"When do you have to leave? Are you… are you actually going?"

His questions were sudden and required a hesitation to sort out possible answers. I wasn't sure how much I could disclose without pushing the envelope further than I already had. I wouldn't be able to keep from father the fact that someone else was aware of so much, even if I hadn't actually said anything myself. I just hoped the conversation wouldn't arise between us.

"… In about a week. Next weekend I'll be going home. I don't know when exactly… I can't see a way of getting out of it…"

I tried my hardest to keep my tone consistent, daring it to betray that I was actually quite upset over this. I could see where this series of questioning was going, and it was a path I wasn't eager to pursue, at least now right now.

"But… why?"

I ignored his question and merely pressed myself closer to his frail frame, which was radiating an alluring heat. A heavy sigh heaved from his chest and he had given up. I was sure he'd start again later. For now I was content to sit in the bathroom stall, reveling in the imaginary safety net my mind was weaving with each passing second.

In all actuality, I couldn't really answer his last question. Sure, I knew what father intended to use me for, and exactly what I'd be subjected to, but why he was doing it now and why he chose to do it after I had already started this year at school remained somewhat of a mystery, one I wasn't so sure I wanted to solve. More than likely something had arisen that caused his plans to be moved to a nearer date, or he just wanted to screw things up for me. Either way, the outlook was increasingly bleak for the future.


	11. Chapter 11

((Rating changed to 'M' for this chapter, just to be safe. Also, thanks for the reviews on the past few chapters, I really appreciate them!))

****

**Chapter 11**

The library offered the perfect atmosphere on a day like today. One could be completely alone with one's thoughts, regardless of the company. The librarian would not put up with any amount of noise at all. Not even a whisper could be emitted without reaching her ear, and sometimes I found myself wondering if maybe she was part hawk. So it was here, I decided, that would be best to spend the evening.

Sirius sat across the table from me, his attention completely focused on some book that had been already resting upon the table when we got there. Strands of ebony fell and veiled his face from my view, but I could tell that whatever it was he was reading completely entranced him. I could have gotten up and left and he probably wouldn't have noticed.

I looked down at the books sprawled open on the table before me. I had research to do for Transfiguration and so far my parchment was blank. I couldn't keep myself interested in any of the texts I had chosen and I doubted whether that had anything to do with the books themselves. It had more to do with the enigma seated across from me. Beneath the table his hand was resting upon my knee. I could feel every slight movement of his long, narrow fingers. Everything he did was very deliberate, and I was curious to know where exactly he was going with this. We were in the library, the options really were limited. Besides, just kissing Sirius seemed to have made him uneasy, this was probably just another platonic gesture I was looking into far too much.

I wanted to continue interrogating him, considering he had put a quick end to my questions earlier. Falling back into his silence certainly stifled his ability to answer any of them. Convenient that his voice seemed to come and go at his leisure. I couldn't hold it against him, however. He had every right to his privacy, and considering I had invaded it, I shouldn't be complaining about what he disclosed to me. The one thing I did know for certain bothered me. Sirius would be leaving in a week. Who knew when I'd see him again after that? The emptiness in my stomach gave way to butterflies.

As if reading my thoughts, Sirius' hand reminded me of its presence by shifting upwards to rest on my thigh. An uncomfortable heat began emanating from the spot almost immediately. I shot him a warning glance, but his face was still hidden beneath strands of silky hair as he read. I started re-reading one of the books resting beside me, focusing with as much of my attention as I could manage.

Sirius's hand crept upwards still. I could feel my face burning and I was sure I now held some resemblance to a tomato. Certain areas of my trousers were becoming… increasingly restricting. I thought I might die of embarrassment soon enough. Unfortunately, I did not. I was certainly alive, in some parts more than others.

Then without warning the strong hand was massaging my swollen bulge through the course fabric of my pants. His fingers worked with surprising skill, and it was all I could do to keep from gasping for breath. Making any noise would draw unwanted attention, and now was not the best possible time. I could feel myself throbbing, a carnal longing pulsating through every inch of my body. A series of small explosions tingled my senses and I felt the familiar trembling that warned me I was about to reach my climax. A rebellious groan rose from my throat and I could feel the librarian's angry faze fall on me. Reluctantly I batted Sirius' hand away from my arousal, feeling rather unsatisfied. I cursed under my breath at the poor timing of it all. Looking over at Sirius, I swore I could see a small smirk gracing his face, which was by now almost as red as mine. We both continue our reading silently.

* * *

The commonroom was filled with people and held the busy, chaotic atmosphere typical of a Friday night. First years were gathered in groups across the room, playing games and laughing amongst themselves. Most of the older students were taking advantage of the spare time to finish homework so they'd be free of the burden for the remainder of the weekend. It was hard to believe I had only a week left to enjoy being here amongst these people.

Remus was upstairs taking a shower. It was an unusually long shower; he'd been in there since we returned from the library. I grinned inwardly. There had been a sadistic pleasure in teasing him. If it wasn't for the obligatory silence, I was sure he'd have been yelling at me. I hadn't meant to do it, though. It seemed I had lost my ability to hold anything back in his company. He was comforting and reassuring.

James cleared his throat and I looked up at him, having been pre-occupied with my thoughts as I gazed off at nothing. Peter sat at his side, fidgeting awkwardly. He shifted in his seat as my gaze fell upon him, looking incredibly guilty of something. Peter always looked that way. It made it easy to project blame upon him, no matter how ridiculously unlikely the situation. Perhaps that was the real reason we all kept him around for so long.

"So are you still planning to try out for the house team this year?" James asked, his voice void of emotion. He had probably been waiting to ask me this for some time now; as the way he was staring at me was too intense for the question to have been a random one. I should've guessed that this would be on his mind; Quidditch was James' passion. If it weren't for Quidditch, he probably wouldn't be forcing himself to talk to me. Unfortunately, I'd have to disappoint him again. I'd forgotten about tryouts completely. Of course I wouldn't be able to try out for the team. My heart sank.

"I guess not…" he muttered, moving to get up out of his seat. He looked fuming, but at the same time defeated. I guessed that he had been hoping Quidditch would initiate some degree of reconcile between us. That's the way he went about things, hoping they'd work out on their own eventually.

"I'm leaving, James" I said, my voice just above a whisper. I didn't want the attention of anyone else in the commonroom. He turned to look at me, startled, obviously confused about what I had meant.

"I'm going home," I clarified.

James stood silently, pondering one thing or another. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head, causing him a strained look. "I thought you hated them, Padfoot…" His tone was suspicious, inquisitive, careful. I merely shrugged as a response. If any one of my friends knew anything about the terrors awaiting me at home, it was James. He'd know I couldn't possibly have chosen to go home, I trusted him to realize this. I need him to.

He frowned and furrowed his brows. "…Okay, well, goodnight." James made his way across the room and up to the dorms, a nervous Peter scurrying after him.

Telling him that caused my stomach to twist. I hadn't really thought on it in a while, and now I was unpleasantly reminded. I wished I were going home to James' house instead. It felt much more like home there than it ever had at Grimmauld Place. A fear embedded itself deep within my bones, then. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to return to that place.


	12. Chapter 12

((A/N: Sorry this took so long, ...again. I write in sporadic random phases, and I'm going to do my best to stick in this one until I've atleast gotten a few more chapters on this thing. I love that even though I haven't updated in a million years, people are still reading and reviewing. The reviews are lovely. Thank you for them and for reading and not hating me and flaming because I am a terrible updater ;; Anyways, enjoy!))

**Chapter 12**

No week in my entire life had ever passed so quickly.

Things were quiet, uneventful, dissatisfying. And now everything I dreaded was finally here. Sirius was leaving tomorrow.

I couldn't keep my thoughts on anything else, and soon enough I was going to throw up on my Potions essay. Every second I sat trying to recall the name of some obscure herb was a second wasted. I had to wait it out, however. Sirius wasn't anywhere to be seen at the moment, and it was pointless to go looking for him. He knew of more potential hiding places in this school than anyone else did; if he wanted to be alone, he'd achieve that quite successfully.

I looked over at James. He seemed to be just as frustrated as I was though I couldn't exactly tell why. Perhaps he had finally allowed himself to reconsider Sirius as a friend. Perhaps he too knew that something was terribly wrong.

"What the hell do you make of it?" James asked, catching my glance.

I moved closer to him, glaring slightly at the volume of his voice. My response came deliberately in the form of a whisper, "I don't know. He really doesn't want to go, I know that much. I sort of… forced my way into his thoughts, I guess you could say."

James smirked. He knew exactly what I was referring to; I had given him some help with his own Occlumency work.

"Remus!" he exclaimed, with fake shock. "Really, tricking him like that! You ought to be ashamed"

"Stop it," I interrupted, sounding a bit more demanding than I had meant to. "You know I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for his own good. Anyway, I didn't see much, but what I did see was enough to worry over"

James' eyes stared at my own, wide, waiting, with a hint of boredom.

He didn't seem to be taking this incredibly seriously. Nevertheless, I moved even closer towards him incase anyone might be listening.

"Well… there was… the dark mark, you know… Voldemort's." The name felt pungent in my mouth and I hurried them out.

He didn't look surprised. "Did you see anything else"

"Prongs"

"Well"

"No, not much. But isn't that reason enough to be worried"

"Maybe. I don't know." His eyes shifted behind me and I turned to look around. Sirius had just come into the dormitory. I readjusted my position and tried to look as though we had not just been discussing his personal life. James got up and walked past him, presumably heading down to the common room. Sirius, seemingly oblivious to this, walked over to his own bed and drew his curtains shut.

With a heavy sigh I got up off of James' bed and made the quick journey to Sirius', theirs being next to each other. Something about all of this seemed so juvenile, despite the seriousness of the matter.

He didn't stir when I sat beside him. His body looked awkward, his long lanky limbs curled up into a compact form I didn't think possible. His back was towards me, and I stroked it in what I assumed was a comforting gesture, my fingertips grazing the subtle bumps of his spine through his shirt. We sat silently like that for some time, just like most of our encounters as of late. Talking wasn't necessary. There was so much I'd love to talk about, but it didn't matter right now. This could be the last time I'd see Sirius for god knows how long, I didn't want to ruin that. I'd do my own investigating later.

My own eyelids were growing heavy when I felt him shift and wrap his arms around me, resting his head upon my chest.

We slept like that until I woke the next morning alone, just catching the sound of the dormitory door slamming shut.

* * *

I hurried along the hall as quickly as I could. My trunk floated along behind me and for a moment I worried I might carelessly hit someone with it. Luckily there weren't many awake at this hour. If I had to leave, I'd do it before I had the chance to realize how badly I wanted to stay. I couldn't risk talking to Remus or James, or even Peter, despite his being a greasy git most of the time. Even he was preferable to the company I'd soon be keeping.

The entrance to Dumbledore's office had never been more ominous. I swallowed hard before reciting the password and making my way up the spiral staircase.

I suddenly felt so childish and alone. _'Why the hell hadn't I just told someone and gotten out of this?'_ Surely Dumbledore could have done something. Though there would invariably been consequences, and perhaps this was the easiest route after all. Either way, there was nothing I could do at this point. It was too late.

It was too late to go back and say goodbye to Remus. A lump formed in my throat. _'I'm an idiot'_

"Good morning Sirius!"

Dumbledore's greeting was so optimistic I almost laughed. Instead some mutant half-laugh, half-choke hybrid rose from my throat and I coughed awkwardly, as though that would dismiss it. "Good morning."

My trunk settled on the floor beside me. The headmaster was preparing the fireplace for travelling, and I could see the small box of powder sitting upon his desk. Father would be arriving soon, he wouldn't allow me to do this on my own. It was too risky. I was too important to whatever it was he had planned. Dumbledore gave me an urgent look as though I was going to spill out some important information at the last minute, and I was sorry to disappoint him.

The familiar figure formed in the fire and stepped out, reaching for Dumbledore's hand. A disgustingly fake look of friendliness was plastered to his face. I hated him. I hated him for coming here and for thinking he was better than Dumbledore, and for taking me away from all of this.

Formalities were quickly exchanged and he turned his attention to me, "I suppose we should be on our way."

I felt rooted to the floor, like if he tried to move me the stone beneath me would come up too. I wished this were the case. My feet moved independently of my mind towards the fireplace, my trunk following along. I just wanted to get this over with. Without looking at Dumbledore or my father, I tossed a bit of the floo powder into the fire and quickly stepped in, trying my best to ignore the terrible feeling in my stomach.


End file.
